I’ve been thinking all day about what I could tell you for Day 2 of NanoPoblano. I could tell you about how hard my morning was, trying to wake the Girls up and then finding out the Puppy had eaten one of Older Daughter’s shoes. I could tell you about how I had to rush my Son and Youngest Daughter to school and then hurry and take Older Daughter to buy a new pair of shoes before school started with borrowed money because times are hard and I’m broke until tomorrow. I could tell you how once I got to work I was thinking about how I wouldn’t make a good supervisor because I’m not willing to compromise my responsibilities as a parent, even though I have the Mister who could help me out. I could tell you how I felt as though I was disappointing my Boss and my Team by showing up late to work yet again.
I could tell you about how much my feelings were hurt when I overheard a fellow Team Member talking badly about me to another Team Member. I heard him whisper, “She wants to be a supervisor and she can’t even show up to work on time.” I could tell you about how much I wanted to yell “I DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS POSITION IT WAS OFFERED TO ME!!!” at the top of my lungs but instead held in the tears and messaged the Mister for some moral support instead.
I could tell you about how I kept to myself today. I tried my best to focus on finishing as much as I could of what I needed to finish today. I tried to stay focused and work quickly while still making sure everything looked the way it was supposed to. I could tell you about how I thought about taking a look at some of the resources available to me to help me become a better supervisor, how I thought about calling or texting one of the other associates who are also in training to become supervisors for moral support. I could tell you how mentally and emotionally exhausted I am.
I could tell you about how all I thought about for the second half of my day was coming home and writing. About how I just wanted to watch a horror movie because somehow it relaxes me. About how I wanted to open up my Bible and find an encouraging passage from the Book of Job, the book I’m currently studying. I could tell you how yesterday my Older Daughter accidentally knocked Youngest Daughter’s loose tooth out while horsing around on my bed and about how today the school nurse called me and asked me to bring some acetaminophen because Youngest was complaining that her mouth was sore. The Mister ended up taking her the medicine and he says he gave her a hug and told her he loves her. All I wanted to do was go pick her up and bring her home, but I didn’t.
I could tell you about how exhausted and discouraged I am. About how overwhelmed I get with the amount of homework my Youngest Daughter always has. About her frustration at having to complete it. At my frustration that she doesn’t understand how to complete it. At my frustration at feeling like I’m not a good enough mother.
I could tell you about the book I’m reading. It’s about a woman who escapes an abusive relationship and whose ex shows up in her and their teenage daughter’s life much later. She ends up being stalked and naturally she assumes it’s by her ex but I’m not so sure. 🤔 I could tell you about how the book brings back memories of my own horrible past relationship and how it upsets me that I feel as though I don’t have anyone to talk to about it from time to time because everyone thinks I should “just get over it.”
I could tell you about all of these things and so much more. I could tell you about the colliding thoughts I have in my head every moment of every day and how they drive me insane. About how I wish I had an outlet sometimes that would help relieve my stress but that I don’t have the time for one. I could tell you that I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you but that I feel purged of the negativity and I’m thankful that you took the time out to listen. I could tell you all of these things and so much more. 💜